Questions That Are Frequently Asked of Katie

Q: Why was the woman who said you had “a Jackie O quality about you” mistaken?
A: Because she’s never seen me eat Taco Bell alone.

Q: Why will we eventually have to start calling you “Kate”?
A: Because any woman named “Katie” who is over 50 has long, gray hair and is Wiccan.

Q: According to your husband, why were you not sorority material?
A: Because I was either too weird or too butch.

Q: What is the brand of that dress you bought from Ross?
A: I need to double-check, but it’s either “Hot Liquid” or “Out of Control.”

Q: What’s wrong with Maria Shriver?
A: She needs to lose weight in her teeth.

Q: What is your sad moment of self-reflection?
A: Realizing that the woman who wore the shower cap in the commercials and yelled, “We make a lot of cereal!” has made more money than I’ll see in my entire life.
Q: Oh.

Q: What do your Italian greens with Asian sesame dressing and Southwest chicken strips make a case for?
A: Segregation.

Q: On May 27, 2010, what was your gift to the world?
A: A liberal baby. You’re welcome!

Q: Why do you want to be 60 years old?
A: So I can appear as a judge on the Law & Order franchise and say, “Be careful, Counselor.”

Q: Why do you read every single Facebook friend’s daily status updates?
A: To try to determine whose marriage is on the rocks.

Q: If you’re seated in the exit row, and the flight attendant is explaining your responsibilities, but you have no idea what she’s talking about… what do you do?
A: Nod. Just nod.

Q: If you made a car commercial, what would it say?
A: “This car is so manly, it’s not shaped like a penis; it’s shaped like the sack.”